- Published on
"Healthy communication is not about being the easiest person in the room. It’s about being honest enough that the people around you no longer have to guess who you are, what you feel, or what matters to you."
One of the most common communication patterns I see in my counselling practice especially among women is the belief that being “easygoing,” agreeable, low-maintenance, or endlessly understanding is the same thing as being a good communicator.
It’s not.
Many of my clients are incredibly kind people. They avoid conflict, don’t want to disappoint anyone, and often describe themselves as “people pleasers.” They say yes when they mean maybe. They say “it’s fine” when it isn’t. They hint instead of asking directly. They swallow hurt feelings to keep the peace.
And on the surface, it can look like the relationship is functioning well because there’s very little overt conflict.
But underneath? There’s often confusion, resentment, loneliness, and emotional distance.
Passive communication creates ambiguity.
When we don’t clearly express what we feel, need, prefer, or dislike, other people are left guessing. Friendships become confusing. Romantic relationships become emotionally exhausting. One person is quietly hoping the other will “just know,” while the other person has no idea they’re missing the mark. I often tell clients: avoidance can look very polite from the outside.
But it still creates disconnection.
For example:
- The friend who says “whatever works for you!” every single time eventually feels invisible and unconsidered.
- The woman who never tells her partner she’s hurt starts becoming emotionally cold instead.
- The employee who always agrees to extra work becomes resentful and burned out.
- Being agreeable may avoid discomfort in the short term, but it rarely creates honest intimacy.
Assertiveness is not aggression. It’s clarity.
And clarity actually makes relationships feel safer.
Three small ways to practice assertiveness in everyday life:
1. Stop saying “it’s okay” or "yes" automatically.
Pause and ask yourself if it actually is okay. A more honest response might be: “I think I need a minute to think about that.” or "Can I get back to you?"
2. Express preferences in low-stakes situations.
Choose the restaurant. Say which movie you want to watch. Tell your friend what time actually works for you. Assertiveness grows through repetition.
3. Replace hinting with direct language.
Instead of: “I guess you’ve been pretty busy lately…”
Try: “I miss talking with you and I’d love more connection.”
Healthy communication is not about being the easiest person in the room.
It’s about being honest enough that the people around you no longer have to guess who you are, what you feel, or what matters to you.
It’s not.
Many of my clients are incredibly kind people. They avoid conflict, don’t want to disappoint anyone, and often describe themselves as “people pleasers.” They say yes when they mean maybe. They say “it’s fine” when it isn’t. They hint instead of asking directly. They swallow hurt feelings to keep the peace.
And on the surface, it can look like the relationship is functioning well because there’s very little overt conflict.
But underneath? There’s often confusion, resentment, loneliness, and emotional distance.
Passive communication creates ambiguity.
When we don’t clearly express what we feel, need, prefer, or dislike, other people are left guessing. Friendships become confusing. Romantic relationships become emotionally exhausting. One person is quietly hoping the other will “just know,” while the other person has no idea they’re missing the mark. I often tell clients: avoidance can look very polite from the outside.
But it still creates disconnection.
For example:
- The friend who says “whatever works for you!” every single time eventually feels invisible and unconsidered.
- The woman who never tells her partner she’s hurt starts becoming emotionally cold instead.
- The employee who always agrees to extra work becomes resentful and burned out.
- Being agreeable may avoid discomfort in the short term, but it rarely creates honest intimacy.
Assertiveness is not aggression. It’s clarity.
And clarity actually makes relationships feel safer.
Three small ways to practice assertiveness in everyday life:
1. Stop saying “it’s okay” or "yes" automatically.
Pause and ask yourself if it actually is okay. A more honest response might be: “I think I need a minute to think about that.” or "Can I get back to you?"
2. Express preferences in low-stakes situations.
Choose the restaurant. Say which movie you want to watch. Tell your friend what time actually works for you. Assertiveness grows through repetition.
3. Replace hinting with direct language.
Instead of: “I guess you’ve been pretty busy lately…”
Try: “I miss talking with you and I’d love more connection.”
Healthy communication is not about being the easiest person in the room.
It’s about being honest enough that the people around you no longer have to guess who you are, what you feel, or what matters to you.
0 Comments
